Just cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there.

The heart is a tricky little monster.  You put so much trust in it.  I mean, come on…it keeps you alive.  It pumps your blood.  It is almost solely responsible for your being.  Why wouldn’t we give our heart everything?  Is there any reason to doubt it?  After 32 years of trying to figure out what I want, who I am and where I’m going, the consensus is….I don’t have a stinkin’ clue.
I’m at a point in my life where I’m constantly questioning my decisions.  Did I make the right ones?  Am I following the path most suited for me?  Am I being true to myself?  Just because I feel it, is it really there?  Am I a good daughter?  Am I a positive female role model for my nephew?  Did I make the right decision about moving back to Tennessee?  The list goes on…and on…and on.  It’s overwhelming at times.  I don’t want to miss something.  I don’t want to be afraid to choose the road less traveled. 
I’ve lived in various places over the years…and my soul is a mountain soul.  My heart aches for my little Mammoth town…and Boone…and the Rockies…and Asheville.  I melt each and every time I visit these places.  I see old faces and wish things were different.  Just because I feel this, is it really there?
I’m still carrying around a pocket full of part time jobs, in spite of my recent upgrade to paramedic.  I have a bachelors degree in recreation management…a field that I truly love.  My resume is filled with cool jobs, real-life experience and great references.  I’m a hard worker.  I put everything into what I do.  Since obtaining my paramedic license, I’ve been questioning my decision to put myself through the last 14 months.  Did I choose the right path?  Will I EVER find a full-time job as a medic, with a service that I truly love and stand by?  Will this ever work out?  I have my doubts…but try to stay positive.  There are so many things I want to do, it’s hard to pick ONE.
I want the total package.  I want to be able to have my cake AND eat it AND not gain any weight.  I want the job, the man, the dog and the freedom to live my life as I have for the last decade.  I want everything and nothing.  I want my space.  I want to be surrounded.  I want to be a jack of all trades and a master at SOME 😉  I want a room full of snowboards, bikes, climbing gear and…wait…I already have that….well….that’s a start.
So, how do I know if I’m where I’m supposed to be?  Will I have doubts and strong feelings no matter which path I choose?  Do I stay here forever or do I fuel my desire to be a free spirit?  Do I take a chance on a new job that may or may not be what I’m made for?  Will I ever be fulfilled?  Not really sure if I will…and not really sure if I’m supposed to be. 
Is my heart playing tricks on me?  I guess some things we’ll never know for sure…

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Matt L says:

    I know exactly what you are feeling and thinking. I have the same recreation degree, times two. Still have my bikes, tbree, but fishing gear has replaced my climbing gear. My dad uses some of my old biners and webbing to pull stuff with his lawn mower. Sold all my yaks and now its a sailboat and a jon boat. Of all the jobs I've had, line cook, mechanic(bikes, cars, farm equipment), carpenter, adventure camp leader/manager, I miss them all. They all have their charm and challenges, but little meaning. When you find a job/trade with purpose, you have found a path worth exploring.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Megan, that is DEEP! With good friends, all things will work their way out. Hang in there and live life to the fullest. Joe.

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