Live now. Die later.

My two loves together as one
As some of you might recall, I started this blog in February as a training journal for my first half marathon.  I was a “runner” then and very determined to make running my jam.  Unfortunately, I have a serious mechanical defect that prevents me from running well and keeps me injured most of the time.  The mechanical defect being my entire lower body…I wasn’t created to run long distance.  The injury being my IT band.  I hated the act of running but loved the high I felt afterwards.  On May 5th, 2012 I ran my first half marathon…and most likely my last. 
After a long hiatus and new motivations in my life, I decided to bring the blog back.  It has since become a way to live out loud.  I can put my sarcastic, pessimistic spin on life and bitch about it however I please.  Every now and then I make people laugh.  This blog has been an amazing outlet for my hopes, fears and everything in between.  Most recently I’ve used it as a way to journal my latest conquest…cyclocross.  Rarely, I use it to document life as it happens…and unfortunately for you poor souls, tonight is one of those nights.
I had a job interview today which ended up being a total waste of my time.  This opened up my cynical side for a few hours of deep thinking.  Even after two degrees and countless jobs in every field possible, I still have no clue what I want to do.  Money has been a big issue lately and I’ve been losing sleep over taking my current job as a full-time position.  I would take an hourly pay cut but have benefits.  Sounds like a winner, right?  Not really.  Paramedics in Tennessee don’t make any money.  In fact, we make less than UPS drivers and most definitely have more responsibility.  I knew what I was getting into when I decided to do this, but it still blows my fragile little mind.
For real though…wtf am I doing?  The free spirit inside me says, “keep it real, girl!”  She lives in the present moment and doesn’t fret about the past or the future.  Life is raw, decisions are made solely on feeling and happiness is the key.  The financially lacking worrier inside me says “you need benefits!”  This is the part of my soul I could drown on a daily basis.  She constantly worries about money and all the other bullshit that comes with it.  She is also the crazy bitch that internally pressures me to settle down.  She really stresses me out.
I dropped out of college to go on tour with Widespread Panic in 2002.  I moved to Boone and spent many wonderful years on ski patrol, living the college town/ski bum life.  I moved to Mammoth Lakes and lived a western life as a snow bum/climber/dh mtb’er/coffee shop hipster/car-livin’ free spirit.  I was devastated when my mother died and I moved back to Tennessee.  Lately I’ve realized my free spirit isn’t so free anymore. 
I hear people say things like, “That’s just part of it.  You grow up, get old and crap happens.”  But is it really?  I’m going to throw the bullshit card now…don’t hate.  I’m not buyin’ it. 
I’ve been doing some serious soul searching over the last few months.  On one hand, I love my bachelors degree and the field it’s in.  On the other hand, I love emergency medicine and sacrificed a lot to obtain my paramedic license.  Why can’t I find a balance?  I don’t expect to be rich and never had the idea I would be…I just want to be at peace with it all.
Peace.  That’s all I’m looking for.
I’m putting the “feelers” out and looking for ways to put my knowledge and education to good use.  If I could just figure out how to incorporate my bicycle into the equation…
Be here now.  Live in the present moment.  Repeat after me…

One Comment Add yours

  1. Stephen says:

    good post, I felt the same way when I was stuck at my desk job, then life opened up and I'm doing what I love: working with kids, and riding bikes. Barely pays the bills but who cares, I'm doing what I love.

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