Aside

In the midst of today’s 32 mile ride in the 60 degree weather, I thought, “I’m peaceful and happy right NOW”.  Those small moments in time are what I live for.  Life is usually very difficult.  It’s sleepless, stressful and sad.  That’s the truth, at least from my perspective.  I find ways to cope and live the best I can.  Peaceful, happy moments are beautiful and rare.

Tonight I find myself in the place I always say I’ll never find myself.  “I’m never drinking again.” “I’m never eating that again.” “I will never do it again.”  Never is a long time.  The heart doesn’t give a shit how many times you say never.  It does what it wants.  My heart and my mind are never on the same team.  My head is so rational.  My heart is so insane…and she gets me into trouble every time.

I’m lucky.  I’ve been here before.  I know how to survive.  I know disappointment is temporary.  I know this is not forever.  I know this wasn’t for me.  I’ll never do this again.

I did, however, smash all the pedals on my ride today. Fuck the world.

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Aside

 

I just wanted to get my training in.  That’s all I wanted to do.  Up until this week, I’ve been riding the ‘cross bike on the trainer, with my extra wheel.  The Stevens is gone, back to its owner, and all I have is my road bike.  In the midst of trying to get it set up for a trainer ride, things went amuck, and I lost my shit in a bad way.  I couldn’t get anything to work correctly, and it was more than my exhausted brain could take.

By the time I got the bike upstairs, I had hit the bottom.  I lost all motivation to ride and started to cry.  I was angry at myself for giving up so easily and sad because I’m just so fucking tired.  My job is taking away my sanity.  It’s taking away my energy.  Most importantly, tonight, it took away my ride.  Fuck it all.  I’m so overwhelmed and exhausted.  I just want to stay in bed forever.

I’m still sitting in my bibs, crying, wishing I had the energy and desire to harden the fuck up.  I don’t, and this makes me sad.  It’s not fair.  I just want to ride my goddamn bike.  If I didn’t need the money so bad, I would call in sick to work.  Another 24 hours on the ambulance tomorrow…likely to be up all night…again.  How the fuck do these people do it?  Oh yeah, because they don’t give a shit about themselves and don’t do anything that requires hard, physical work.  I’m never going to get where I want to be like this.  I can’t train tired.

I’m wrecked inside over a silly little training ride.  Tears.  Tears over a fucking bike…again.  I’m so angry at myself right now, but all I can do is sit here and cry.

I will feel so glad to go…

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
‘Cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well …

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye …

Full circle

Almost a year has passed since I started this blog as a training journal.  Against my body’s will, I was a runner.  I desperately wanted my IT band and knees to cooperate, in spite of what I knew in my heart to be the truth.  Nothing made me feel that “high” like running.  After my first half-marathon, I quit.  Then, magically, the bike came back into my life.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt “it”.  I’ve fallen into somewhat of a ‘cross depression since my season ended in December.  Other aspects of my life have been struggling, so the trifecta of feelings took my high away.  No racing on the weekend to cheer me up.  No one to go home to at night.  No real fulfillment in my job.  I wondered if I would ever feel it again.  Sure, I’ve had some great rides lately, but nothing quite comparable to how I feel in the middle of a ‘cross race.  It’s like heroin.

Last night, Jamie and I attended a spin class at the Y.  Tyler, the instructor,  is amazing and doesn’t mind if we do our own workouts.  We sit in the back, watch college girls in yoga pants and booty shorts, and do our intervals.  It’s a nice change from lonely trainer workouts at home.  Afterwards, we hit up the high intensity circuit class and run around till we’re sick.  This is what I call, “Operation Crit Ass”.

In the midst of a hot club banger and a high intensity interval, it hit me.  I felt it.  I momentarily got lost in my workout.  I closed my eyes and imagined how all my hard work would pay off.  I imagined how I really can do this on my own.  I imagined how it would feel to be faster.  In that moment, if only for a few minutes, I felt at peace.

It is that moment I seek out, over and over again, with hopes it might stick around someday.

Aside

Sometimes I forget I’m not indestructable…and then I’m reminded.  My body has totally rejected my current lifestyle of insomnia and stress.