It’s time. The wishy-washy attitude and lack luster focus has to stop. The thing that’s quickly become “my thing” is upon us once again. Season 2. No more excuses. And yes, I know it’s supposed to be fun, and it is. I just have a slightly different focus than many of you, and THAT is ok. I’ve always been competitive…always been stubborn…always been tough. Well, tough on the outside, anyway.
My hopes are high…possibly too high. This has been the thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. As far as ‘cross is concerned, let’s hope it keeps me motivated and focused. I hope I can find a way to channel my life stress into bike work. I hope I can keep my legs moving when my heart wants to quit. I hope I can at least be good enough for the bike, because I feel less than adequate for anything else. You know that saying, “Until you can love yourself, no one else can love you”? I just hope my bike isn’t afraid of commitment, because I am all in.
My training has been positive, and I have seen a handful of improvements. Chasing the boys up mountains and through the woods has caused me some pain, bruises, and memory loss, but I am stronger for it. I’m a little faster, too. I have been focusing on my ‘cross technique and working diligently on being smooth. My frustrations have definitely overwhelmed me a little, and I’m also working on not losing my shit. This is probably one of the hardest things to change, because I get overwhelmed, angry, and emotional. My emotions run this body. I lead with my heart. I am probably one of the most passionate human beings you’ll ever meet…believe that.
And my heart writes bad checks on the regular. I guess that’s the price I pay for giving a shit.
So what does all this mean? For starters, this month is serious. I’m on a program and very committed to sticking to it. If you ask me to ride and it’s NOT on my program, don’t take offense if I say no. I really want to excel in my races this year, and I would like to see what it feels like to touch the podium. Winning isn’t everything, but I want to see improvements, and I’m not shy about that.
And yes, there will be crying. I’m sorry, but that’s just the kind of girl I am. Once you crack the outside, I’m all mush. I’m the female Morrissey of bike racing. I’m all in. All the time. And I’m willing to risk everything for a single moment of bliss.
If you just stop thinking about it so much, and let yourself go, you might find out you’re already there. It’s been there the whole time. All you have to do is take a couple of steps, swing your leg over the seat, and keep moving. You can feel it. You’ve committed this far, so why not go for it?