Moar bikes

Two words. Bike race.

Double race weekend coming up.  I’ve been back in the grove with better training, and my head is less foggy.  Working on pushing away all the stupid shit going on around me.  Less moping about the boy, MORE BIKE RACING.

My legs feel pretty ok.  If I can stay out of my head, that will be better than getting on that podium.

Weekend agenda….RIDE BIKE HAAHDAH.  Fuck everything else.

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A picture is worth a thousand words…

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned

You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

If only I’d thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I’d thought of the right words
I wouldn’t be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Saturday.

If I put my hands around your wrists, would you fight them?
If I put my fingers in your mouth, would you bite them?
So many things that I would do if I had my way with you

I can keep secrets that I know that you want me.
You could dig your nails into my skin and you won’t stop me.
You could twist and scream into the air, but no one can hear you here.

While you’re shouting friends that despise you to your face
What would they say now if they saw you in this place?
Naked and breathless, could you live with this disgrace?
Could you live? Could you live with this?

And there will be no tenderness, no tenderness
There will be no tenderness
I will show no mercy for you,
you had no mercy for me
The only thing that I ask

Love me mercilessly

Day After Christmas Sale

I feel like I’ve been racing in a circle for the last year.  It’s just like NASCAR, but no one ever wins.  Maybe this time I will stick to my guns and stand up for myself.  No matter how badly I want it to work, I have to realize that it probably won’t.  I think part of growing into myself is knowing when to give up and move on.  I’m good at winning battles, but it looks like this will be a loss.  Time to get strong and work on me…

Because I deserve better than this.

Christmas “Brake”

The smell of wrapping paper fills the air.  The Christmas tree shines in the moonlight.  The echo of laughter can be heard throughout the house, as family joins together to celebrate whatever it is they define as Christmas.  For some, this is the typical holiday scenario.  There’s another side to this scenario, though, and many of us are trudging through the muck just to get to the other side.  The new year.  We simply want to wake up on the other side of December 31st.

I think we’re all in search of something right now.  Even if you don’t talk about it, you’re desperately seeking change for 2014.  Whether it’s change within yourself, or hopes for change within someone else, you’re searching.  Everything has room for improvement.  Nothing is perfect, and I think we ALL set expectations high up on a pedestal.  How can we grow into something better if our expectations aren’t even within an arm’s reach?

Look deep within yourself.  Is there anything you’ve been hiding?  Have you been stuffing your true self into the darkness, in fear of getting hurt?  Have you been wavering on that tightrope, afraid to keep walking, in fear of falling to your demise?  Have you been afraid of living…I mean, REALLY living…because you’ve never really learned how to live in the first place?  We don’t have a lot of time to be afraid of living, because life is short, and we’re not promised to be here for any specific length of time.

So you better start living before it’s too late.

Find that place you’ve been hiding from yourself.  Grab it with both hands and refuse to let go.  Don’t be afraid of failure, because that’s the true beauty of growth.  We can’t grow until we fail.  We can’t fail until we live.  We can’t live until we let go.  So I urge you all to finally let go of whatever it is that’s been holding you back.  Go into the new year with a fresh perspective.  Let go of any expectations and live life as it comes.  Don’t fight it.  You owe yourself a lot more than you’re allowing.  You owe yourself an opportunity to feel, to love, to live, and to grow.  Don’t get stuck in the muck from the past.  The future is yours, but you can’t be afraid…

Fear is toxic.