Fate sounds like a made up word to describe something that you will never actually obtain.

Until you obtain it.

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I spent the entirety of last night tossing and turning in my bed, twisting my sheets up into a sweaty knot and allowing my mind to take the wheel. I’ve never been good at sleeping, and I’m no stranger to cold sweats and nightmares. But are they really nightmares if you’re not actually dreaming? And did my mind manifest my physical condition? I don’t know how to answer either of these questions, but I do know that I’m swimming without a life jacket. Please God, don’t let me drown.

This blog won’t be shared on social media, and I’m writing it more as a coping mechanism than an entertainment piece. Aside from the dizziness and overall shitty health I’ve been experiencing lately, the devastation left over from the election has really affected my life. Even as someone who is LITERALLY an open book, I fear that making some of my comments public in the social media eye is dangerous for a lot of reasons. This election is splitting up families, taking away jobs, and causing ungodly pain for so many. I think I have a grip, but soon realize I don’t. And now I’m isolating myself because of it.

My own father voted for Donald Trump. As a man born in the 40s, I get his thought process. He’s tired of the shit. He wants to see a change. I get it. But he also agrees with building a wall, and his vote basically tells me he’s okay with the physical abuse of his own fucking daughter. I’ve known this man for 36 years. I’ve trusted him over anyone else. I have a love for this guy that only daughters can understand. Hearing him talk about why he voted for Trump makes me feel as empty as I did when they thought I had cancer. How is it possible to live in a world that hurts this much? I feel betrayed and alone and I can’t escape this fucking horrible feeling. I just can’t. And please stop telling me it’s okay. It’s not okay and I’m never going to be okay and he’s never going to be my president.

As I laid in a puddle of sweat and twisted sheets in the wee hours of the night, I passed the time by flipping through social media. I know- not the best decision. I ran across an anti-Hillary meme shared by one of my most trusted and adored friends, and soon realized the support for this man betrayed me more than I ever thought possible. I never thought of myself as a feminist, but fucking Christ, ladies!? I am more of a feminist than I thought, and I vow to spend the rest of my life making sure I help break the mold that some of you were created from. I want to free you from this oppression. I want to make you aware of how beautiful your own thoughts really are. You’re better than this. You are fucking better than this.

Sometimes I feel like my chest is going to explode. I am in true disaster mode. And I know this because I can’t even muster up the energy to race my bike this weekend. Even if I felt up to it physically, it just seems so trivial right now. Bikes are everything to me, and always the right choice, but racing takes a special feeling that doesn’t exist for me right now. I am not waiving the white flag and running away, but I am taking some time to pull myself together. I generally love people and being in the midst of a crowd, but right now I hate people and want to be alone. I’m so fucking conflicted that sometimes I don’t recognize myself.

I begin my journey to Europe on Obama’s last day in office. This trip is fairly emotionally loaded for a million reasons, but this particular detail is a tough one to digest. Aside from the fact that I have always considered expatriation for positive personal and professional reasons, I now wonder if I will be forced to seek refuge in another country as a result of this election. Donald Trump’s reign will touch more than the lives of Americans, so would I really be safe in another country? Then I think about all the other countries and their struggles with the politics of dictators, hate, and silencing oppression. We have been so fortunate to live the way we’ve been living, so are we now just catching up to the rest of the world? Is it our turn (again)? Is history repeating itself? I cannot make sense of any of this to save my life. I just want to pack a bag and run. I’m really, really good at that.

 

 

 

13

I tried desperately to keep my eyes open long enough to see the United States come crumbling down in real time, but multiple sleepless nights and an endless glass of wine rendered me helpless. I slept like a baby for a few hours, then awoke in a panic around 3:30 this morning as I fumbled to find my phone in a stack of fluffy pillows. The sensation I experienced after learning the news was similar to how I felt when I got the phone call that my mother had passed away. I was overcome with a profound heaviness and the immense darkness of the night was no match for the gaping black hole that opened up in my heart.

Tears streamed down my face as I attempted to wrap my brain around the evolution of the human race. As an open-minded liberal growing up in a fundamentally conservative Southern state, I wasn’t totally shocked at the result, but I surely hoped the good would shine through. The South was actually rising, it seemed, and I quickly realized just how far we had gone into the rabbit hole. It became impossible to see the good. My hope disappeared. What the fuck have we done? How is it possible to be so advanced, yet revert back to the beginning of time in just a few short hours? I still don’t understand how we got here.

Minorities are grieving today. Opportunities for freedom are fading. The beauty of choice has been tainted. Fathers are having to tell their young children that rape and physical abuse are acceptable forms of treatment. And those of us who’ve experienced physical abuse first hand are being told we deserved it, and we’re nothing more than sexual objects to the almighty man. It took me a very long time to get to a place where I could forgive him for putting his hands on me, but how will I come to forgive the millions of people who support someone like Donald Trump? Well, this is most certainly unforgivable. And I’m not sorry that I don’t forgive you. I will, however, move forward just as I’ve always done.

I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually fearful. I don’t know how I will rebuild the hope I once had for humanity, and I can’t be sure I’ll ever fully recover from this enormous blow. People I once respected and held high have shown me their heart, and I’m not going to pretend I’m Mother Theresa on this one. Betrayal is rampant. Hate is the enemy. And we’re living in a pseudo democracy being run by thieves. So, today… today I will be demolished.

Tomorrow, I fight back.